me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
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Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
All generalizations are stupid.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet