Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”

just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit

me: how do we ask nicely

him:

me: go on

him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute

Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.

My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals

Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:

•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.