me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
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*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Spider-cat: No One Home
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”