Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.

No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.

I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.

My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.

i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.

BRITISH PERSON: cheerio

AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo

Everyone else at laser tag: 😳

oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying

Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake

ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together

My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”