Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)

Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

ㅤ

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves

me: I always get shy around beautiful women

friend: just tell her

cashier: hi

me: *quiet mumbling*

cashier: what?

me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ

Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.

some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.

After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”

My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…

Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?

her: I did

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”

violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)