Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.

How much for the angry lawn gnome?

That’s my toddler.

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.

Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.

Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.

What the hell happened in there??

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”

I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.

I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

why neck hurt

Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?

Me: finding the will to get up

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter