me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

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Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that


You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out


If my life is going to continually be this much of a disaster, I’m gonna need the Rock to make an appearance at some point.


I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.


Today is the day I release the coyote I trained on Windows 95 back into the wild.


CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.


I wanna be famous, but only so I can name my kids Wombat and Pumpernickel.


To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.