Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
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You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
If my life is going to continually be this much of a disaster, I’m gonna need the Rock to make an appearance at some point.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Today is the day I release the coyote I trained on Windows 95 back into the wild.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
When news reporters do sports stories
I wanna be famous, but only so I can name my kids Wombat and Pumpernickel.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.