me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
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Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!