@ClichedOut

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

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@BobGolen

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

@AnitaHelmet

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

@Marcmywords2

You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

@robin_991

Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.

@RunOldMan

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

@PhilJamesson

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered