I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
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DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered