Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord

Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?

God: [making trees]

Trees: yay

God: [making beavers]

Trees: nonononono

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.

tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”

*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers

I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!

-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.

The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.

Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.

hackers play passwordle

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

the simulation is moving too fast

How it started How it’s going

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.

😂😂

Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.

Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.

Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do