Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day

Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.

I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?

My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.

Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE