Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long

Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.

Source: grew up on a farm.

My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.

13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

why count sheep when I can count my troubles

Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”

God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!

Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.

I’ll see myself out.

I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.

There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.

*husband and I arguing*

Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!

[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in

Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”

They didn’t like me very much.

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.