Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[choosing a daycare: first child]

Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?

Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?

[choosing a daycare: second child]

Wife: do you have any openings?

Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?

Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.

if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever

[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?

ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog

I opened a pistachio once…

Worst 37 minutes of my life.

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

Diabetes: you’re my type.

Me: you’re my type 2

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.