Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

[Time is NOT Real Institute]

BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME {coyly}: Time is not real

BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?

ME: Right away

BOSS: …

ME: Oh shi-

Date: Cat-callers disgust me.

Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.

My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.

*in the car*

dog: where we going?

me: to the neuter clinic

dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!

me: no. your nuts

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

*3:30 am

House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?

Smoke alarm: I had last week

Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.

HA: Water heater?

WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!

Me: *almost falls out of bed*

HA: HAHAHA! Good work!

Just burnt 2,000 calories…

That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot

Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.