Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen

My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

witch 1: i can’t find my broom

witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.

Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?

My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.

“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.

You get to choose which path you take.

I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-

toupeed eagle: what?

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight

Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.

[inventing eggnog]

Exec: Gag them, but festively.

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

i have never been so disappointed in all of my life

People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

Brain: that was a good cookie

Body: here’s 4 pounds

[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

Phone

Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first

Person: How…

Me: I don’t want to talk about it

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.