Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate

Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…

interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k

me: *gets up* ok see you then

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that