Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated

Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.

Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.

My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

her: so do you have air conditioning

me: no, only fans

[date]

HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?

ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.

The options really are this bad

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.

I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?