me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
