Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what

“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen

Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

I needed a laugh this morning.

My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.

(by @ZachWeiner )

I can’t get the cork off my dinner.

[office]

ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.