Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

App: This app would like to use your location.

Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here

“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”

“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”

“Huh?”

*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel

Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”

-nobody ever

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out

the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.

A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…

Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

Simple enough.

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming

Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*