Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
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It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems