ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
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A Match(.com), but for socks.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.