ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
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I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*