ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
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My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.