me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
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nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.