me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
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Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
✨☝️✨
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*