me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
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It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo