The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
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The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.