Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!

Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China

In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]

Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it

Checkmate Jesus.

Basketball

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

I’d love this…lol

“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”

—Lies Amazon tells me.

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace