Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.

Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

Netflix and you sit over there.

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

I love hard, but I stupid harder.

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.

Uber Driver: Same, Girl.

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur

I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.

[On a Ferris wheel]

Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!

Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!

Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.