Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
You Might Also Like
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Well, shit
applying for a new job
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.