Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
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Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.