Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
You Might Also Like
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.