Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
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My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
This classic never gets old . . .
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Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
(Musicians.)
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Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.