My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
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AM I BEING GASLIT????
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?