Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs

me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

The Last Dance just keeps getting better

It’s 6am somewhere!

~Toddlers waking up at 4am.

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

“It’s been months since I got laid.”

– Baby chickens