Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?

TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]

my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard

Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??

“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.