Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
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Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.