Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
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Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
