Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻

Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?

Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

dutch is not a serious language

Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”

“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”

my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far

I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet

Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”

If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.