Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
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I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I’ve been learning to cook.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*