Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
You Might Also Like
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches