me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
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Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I occasionally drink every single night.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
happy halloween
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT