me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
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I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???