me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
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me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
my nickname in college
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I have so many questions.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it