Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
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Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Catercrombie & Fish
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.