Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]

ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*

{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…

*I run to check on the donuts

*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”

“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.

“just sayin” who asked you though?

Me: I’ll have a small drink.

Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.

Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot

him: that’s where the casket goes

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

my computer: consider changing your password

me: consider fighting me in the streets

Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

walking out of the bob dylan movie and wondering why I didn’t know any of the songs or why he was a monkey

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?

I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.

Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.

Me: You recognize this man?

*slides photo*

Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.

Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.

Me (at a tournament): I win!
*throws ball into the crowd*

Manager of bowling alley: Okay, that’s not right.

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.