Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
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Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
my sentiments exactly
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Put the is in disheveled
This is no longer an app but a mishapp