Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
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Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
This is I, Robot all over again
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.