Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok

Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.

Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”

Two seconds later:

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.

Wait.

Two. I have 2 kids.

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.