Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good

Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.

Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.

Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.

[In the White House war room]

Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.

Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.

You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!

Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh

Do you want to taunt a snowman?

European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake

Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat

Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.