Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

Me: Are you mad at me?

Wife: Eventually.

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife

CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

[both kids on my lap]

Me:This is so nice

5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.

M: I carried you for 9 months!

4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?

😂😂

My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.

[driving test]
me: did I pass?

driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal

told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

professor x: whats your superpower?

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…

My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.

My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.