me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
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Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*