Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.

Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.

recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.

Daughter:

Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God