Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.

IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.

sistine chapel

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun

MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.