Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?

Husband:

Me:

Husband: How much?

TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties

Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself

(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.

Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now

Me: I’d like a neck tattoo

Tattoo artist: okay, of what?

Me: I just told you

Tattoo artist:

Me: on my forearm

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.

My tombstone will probably read

“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

saw this in a dream

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”

I think about this a lot.

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid

Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom

8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.