Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
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Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle