Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
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me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Nothing to do, you say?
Current mood: Potato
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’