Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?

I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.

[Mom’s house]

Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces

Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

[cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”

Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)

Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.

I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening

me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive

Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.