Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
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DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.