ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
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My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Kids, do not try this at home!
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests