Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.

Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them

[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?

Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT

People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.

It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.

You put the shhh in bullshhhit.

i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem

I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors

This toddler just ran up to me in Target, crying for me to pick him up. I didn’t know what to do, so I did & he stopped crying, immediately. His mom then walks up to me & says, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry sir. But you look just like his daddy” 💀.

I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.