ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
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Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
I love it all
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing