Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.

~me, every time my alarm goes off

I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.

#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬

I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.

😂😂

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today

When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

Stick it to the man

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.

My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.

Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”

Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”

“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”

Boss: “Just go..”

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”

A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid

It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.

History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”

You mean like NOW?

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.

I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win

IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE