Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.

You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

what’s for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so

a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”

-Costco.

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

*Me being held for ransom*

Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

sensitive skin

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

Spice up grocery lists for your partner:

Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?