@Tommytoughstuff

ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.

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@MattMcElaney

“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”

They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!

*crowd GASPS*

@Billy_Pentz

#HowToAvoidPoliticsAtDinner bring up something less controversial, like religion.

@IsoJoeJR

Day 2 without sports:

Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.

@MrsFancyPants77

Once, just once, I’d like to be able to use the word skedaddling in an everyday conversation.

@Lhlodder

Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down

ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS

@AristotlesNZ

Yea? Well who died & made you Batman?

Oh crap..that’s right.

Bruce, I’m so sorry. Come on, dude, don’t cry. Seriously, where you going?

@NYorNothing

I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color

@TeaAndCopy

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.