@Tommytoughstuff

ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.

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@rudy_mustang

Genie: you have three wishes

Me: ok i wish “three” meant 1000

Genie: it’s done. you have two wishes left

Me: wait i wish “two” meant 1000

@Calliejacobson

So apparently in a job interview, if the interviewer asks you to choose one word that describes you, the correct answer is not fergalicious.

@AmishPornStar1

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

@StarWarsProblms

Leia: You owe child support.

Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.

Leia: You’re standing right here

Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*

@causticbob

If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.

@adult_mom

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

@MelvinofYork

My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating

@_TayTayJustine

Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.

@imadepoopstoday

I’ve learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.