Genie: you have three wishes
Me: ok i wish “three” meant 1000
Genie: it’s done. you have two wishes left
Me: wait i wish “two” meant 1000
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
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So apparently in a job interview, if the interviewer asks you to choose one word that describes you, the correct answer is not fergalicious.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I’ve learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.