“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
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#HowToAvoidPoliticsAtDinner bring up something less controversial, like religion.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
Once, just once, I’d like to be able to use the word skedaddling in an everyday conversation.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Yea? Well who died & made you Batman?
Oh crap..that’s right.
Bruce, I’m so sorry. Come on, dude, don’t cry. Seriously, where you going?
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.