ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
You Might Also Like
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice