ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
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*performs CPR on the turkey*
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.