Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
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You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
