Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”

GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.

No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.

Women because they’re embarrassed

Men because they’ll start laughing

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour

When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.

i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together

Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased

“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.

The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.

DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?

ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’

DATING COACH: Show me

*I bite my lip seductively*

DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?

Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”

Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”

one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.

OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.

REALIST: A train.

TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.