Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”

They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”

Are we there yet?…

Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.

Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!

My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”

Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.