Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”

My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

How to cow tip:

First, sneak up behind the cow.

Next, get into a wide stance.

Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.

My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”

Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.

genie: you have 3 wishes

cat: i want to go out

genie: ok

cat: and back in again

genie: done

cat: and back out again

genie: ffs

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.

My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”

Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.