fog is just god’s snapchat filter
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
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Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Me: Between 2 and 5
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You’re… an ambulance.
DAD: I’m- I’m so proud of you, son [dies]
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Scientist: But WHY is the bee population dying?
Scientist: No idea. *eats bee*
Scientist: Did you just eat a bee?
Scientist: *eats bee* No.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
“Ho, ho, ho!”
-Santa doing a head count