Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*

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[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.


I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.


I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.


My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer


When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .


Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.


Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted


I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.


Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.