Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Me: No, my personality.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
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I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.