@ItsAndyRyan

Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*

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@SexytotheNorth

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

@Mike__Lee

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

@LostFelicia

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

@BwanaChris

My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer

@SarahMJade

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

@DrakeGatsby

Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.

@ArfMeasures

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted

@DamonHunzeker

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

@lmegordon

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.