Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
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*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.