Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.

Me: *half an hour later*

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients:

casino dealer: ok all bets on the table

cat: [pushes bets off the table]

dealer: stop that are you in or out

cat: YES

White border agent = Vanilla Ice

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.

me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month

therapist: how does that make you feel

me: pretty tired I walk a lot

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

Me: What do you want for Christmas?

Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.

Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”

After ten years of marriage I’ve realized that I also need a wife to take care of me.

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.

My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles

We don’t have a dog

Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?

Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!

#math

I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.