Me: Do you ever get a sharp stabbing pain in your head and groin?
Annoying coworker: No.Me, angrily throwing away the voodoo doll
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Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.