Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.

*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head

THERAPIST: Anyways—

ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

I’m 36 going on 37.

Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.

15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”

My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.

Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.

Me: Here, does this help?

*turns and walks away*

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”

Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction