Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.

*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*

HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?

ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes

I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..

I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.

No time for questions.

when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks

My youngest is like a dog

She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.

5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?

MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president

5: what happens if I turn 150?

W: you die

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.