Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
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Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
What I lack in imagination I make up for in….stuff.
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …
*goes to hell*
Mom: Fish, honey!
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
T: No-[sees it’s almost 3 pm] Magic
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
*gets drunk outside*
*gets drunk inside*
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa